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THE CHRONICLE
September 13, 2018

SHE’S COMIN'
The Chronicle has really turned into the AccuWeather forecast center in preparation for Hurricane Florence this week, folks. Greg Fishel who? When I was a kid, sometimes Greg Fishel would come to our school and talk about the weather in a school-wide assembly. They gave us paper masks with his face on them. Does anyone else remember that? Anyway! We don’t have class today or tomorrow, and neither does NC State or UNC. UNC got an extra day off, [insert cheap joke about UNC not going to class here].

Let Me Be Your Dad
Everyone’s dad is worried about them, including our state dad, Roy Cooper, and as your new dad, I can tell you that you should probably go ahead and run to the store and get some bread and water, except it’s already all gone. Maybe bake some? My Granna has shared multiple vaguely threatening articles and videos about the danger of hurricanes in the hopes that it strikes fear in my heart and convince me to go home to rural N.C., which, no thanks. Also, Peaches the cat will be fine, so will the lemurs, and so will your car, for all those who worried… the homeless, incarcerated and impoverished human populations of rural and coastal North Carolina, probably less so, but priorities, I guess!

And Now, The Reason Everyone Came To Duke…
The fact that it was the highest-ranking university on the U.S. News and World Report Rankings we could get into. We’re eighth this year! If some of you prep-school graduates want to lord a ranking over your classmates who got into the actual Ivy League, you or your mother could share this next one on Facebook. Duke is tied for FIRST with Harvard and Yale for “student outcomes” according to The Wall Street Journal. This ranking is definitely NOT at all correlated with already being rich. I look forward to making my own contribution to this ranking in a year; you can find me living with six roommates and working 3 part-time entry-level jobs. 

I Bet Duke’s Lawyers are Doing Pretty Well for Themselves
Whoops! Duke’s getting sued again. This one isn’t about allegedly mishandling retirement funds or allegedly mishandling the student conduct process, but rather about allegedly discriminating against an employee with a disability. It’s good to switch it up sometimes!

We Won!
Duke’s football team won 21-7 against Northwestern on Saturday. Apparently they didn’t play super well but still “did the things we had to do as a team to win.” I feel like this is more how people talk about committing war crimes than playing a football game, but okay! Fair enough I guess!

Is This, Um, Ethical?
True story, I was talking to multiple wealthy middle-aged men the other day, as one does, and they both said they were thinking about, but not actually cancelling, their season football tickets because of how dangerous it is to the players. Well, two Duke football players, Daniel Jones and Mark Gilbert, are out indefinitely for surgery after sustaining injuries during their game Saturday. 

Love & BASKETBALL
The men’s basketball ACC schedule for this season was released today! Check it out! Mark your calendar! We’ll play UNC on February 20th at Cameron, so get ready or something! I know you’re excited, and I’m excited for you!


 

Somebody Call Tan from Queer Eye
Have you ever looked at your professor and been like… you really woke up this morning and put on that outfit. Wonder no more what they were thinking! Take a glimpse into professors’ morning sartorial decision-making! It must be tough to get up and not be able to wear athletic shorts and a giant t-shirt like an adult toddler, as we students have all decided is an acceptable way to dress in an academic environment. A female professor also wrote to remind us that it’s a lot harder for female professors, who worry less about “is this look sufficiently quirky” and more about “will this outfit make people take me seriously as a professional”?

DON’T fall in love!
Not only is this what I have to remind myself after an attractive stranger makes eye contact with me, it’s also what columnist Luke Farrell says math says to students in their first year of college. According to Luke, you should absolutely NOT fall in love with anyone you date in the first 37 percent of your college experience, because you’ll probably find someone better later on. He explains it better than I do, since I took CS101 for my QS credit and did kind of badly. Turns out, math can be fun and topical!

 

Uhhhh… everything is cancelled and postponed...

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