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THE CHRONICLE
December 13, 2018

Title Nine…  Or Is That Eleven? I Don’t Know, I Never Learned How to Read Roman Numerals:
Education secretary and member of one of the hundred richest families in America Betsy DeVos has proposed changes which would narrow the definition of sexual harassment used by Title IX and would limit the university’s ability to respond. And Duke is like, great, we literally do not care because we will just try those cases as something else. (I’m paraphrasing.) These proposed federal changes are open for public comment until the end of January, so really write Ms. DeVos a letter, and also feel grateful DeVos wasn’t your education secretary when we were kids so you and I can both read and write! Kind of!

Mama, I’m A Carbon Farm Now!
Duke has purchased a “carbon farm” in the pursuit of being carbon-neutral. I did some research and a “carbon farm” is, let’s be clear, just a giant, possibly rather expensive bog. Capitalism is really wild. Have y’all ever been out to Hyde County, where this thing is going? It’s good that Duke is doing this, but I guarantee the good people of Last Chance, N.C. (a real place in Hyde County) are having a mighty big laugh right about now. But honestly, if I don’t find a job in the next few months, you’ll find me living as a bog witch—whoops, I’m sorry, a carbon farmer—in Eastern North Carolina, before eventually becoming a mysterious mummified bog body—I mean, sorry, a human-shaped carbon sink. If there’s one thing Duke has taught me, it’s how to really exaggerate a resume!

“OK, Swastika Issue”:
"There isn’t a file on the computer that says, ‘OK, swastika issue.’” That’s a real quote from this article, and if you laughed at it, you’re a bad person, but so am I. So, how DOES Price decide to send those emails about… racial incidents? Turns out, he just kind of thinks about it, which is fair. I like to imagine the administrators having these big meetings about exactly how dumb Duke students are, and from there determine how much information to put in their emails about hurricanes and snow. I’m sure they really feel the weight of knowing that students would be totally uninformed about events in the world around them without receiving an email about it, and that the emails will be turned into a meme or roasted for a typo anyway. Wow, I guess the administrators and I aren’t so different after all...

At Least We’ll Always Have Basketball:
Let’s be perfectly honest and admit that many of us are here because we got rejected from Yale. But hey, at least we beat them in men’s basketball this week! Trade-offs! I was particularly charmed to read that basketball player, R.J. Barrett, had some appreciative words for his teammates and coaches, saying, “we help each other, that’s why it’s called the brotherhood.” This is one of the most open displays of affection for other men I’ve seen a man express in like two months, and I think that’s great!

With A Rebel Yell:
The women’s basketball team played UNLV’s Rebels last week, and they won, which sounds very exciting. One notable fact about the game is apparently that a player on the team tore her ACL almost exactly a year ago, but now she’s back and she’s really happy about it! We love to hear about people recovering from injuries! Overall a very heartwarming week in sports.

Were We Ever So Young:
Okay, yes, including this article about the snow is a broad interpretation of “what you want to know.” Do you really want to know anything? Do any of us? Perhaps emotionally you want to know about these students who saw snow for the very first time this week, and these students who wholesomely conducted their own church service. It’s almost enough to make me less bitter that none of my finals got cancelled because of the snow. Almost.

Don’t Have Any Music Taste Of Your Own? Have Some of Ours:
Did your Spotify wrap-up data make you feel like a cultureless swine by revealing that you listened to a record-breaking 29 hours of Carly Rae Jepsen this year? Yeah, me too. Fortunately, the culture editor in the Recess department has ten albums to recommend to you from this year, and you can quote him verbatim at your next Duke Coffeehouse visit in order to sound cooler, guaranteed. Okay, actually, not guaranteed, even our culture editor isn’t safe from criticism since the sole comment on this article calls it a “weak list.” I’ll be listening to nothing but Wham! for the remainder of the year just to avoid the controversy.

1. Louis Austin Exhibit Opening Event: Go visit this exhibit about the founder and longtime editor of The Carolina Times, an important Durham newspaper that played a key role in the fight for racial justice. The opening is tomorrow at 6 at the Museum of Durham History.
2. Annual Christmas Concert: Enjoy a free vocal concert in Duke Chapel tomorrow at 8 pm in the Chapel.
3. The Scrap Gives Back: Go see the animals up for adoption and help support the Animal Protection Society of Durham at The Scrap Exchange this Sunday from 1-3.
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