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THE CHRONICLE
November 1, 2018

Burn, Baby, Burn:
Will Duke divest from fossil fuel companies? Probably not, even though most people generally think it’s a good idea and some have been working on this for like four years. And why should Duke divest? Personally, I’m looking forward to killing and eating the very last sea turtle on the planet with my children in 2040. That is, if I don’t die from losing health insurance this year instead, haha! Guess we’ll see what happens in like two more years, both with my death and also if Duke divests, since we have a few more committees and recommendations to go through before our illustrious Board of Trustees considers the proposal.

Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make, Duke Is Watching You!
Do you love sitting in the glass cube of Vondy while your peers and professors stare at your laptop screen and eavesdrop on your casual coffee meetings? Well, if that constant surveillance and monitoring is appealing to you, then maybe you’re one of the people who thinks we should have More Security Cameras. And you’re in luck, because it turns out that we actually have quietly installed 1,300 of them over the past three years! Wow! 

We’re Really Still Doing This:
Yep, Hyde House, the organization formerly known as People Rejected From SLG Rush, (too mean?) is back at it with a LAWSUIT against DSG Senate. Now, I know what you’re saying: “Ms. Dirt… no one cares about this.” And I think you’re right, with the exception of two crucial audiences: people trying to form Hyde House, and student journalists. I have to be perfectly honest with you and confess that we at The Chronicle love a DSG judiciary lawsuit more than the smell of a fresh print edition. Stay tuned for the hearing today! I’ll bring the popcorn!

Should I Bring Cutcliffe Some Sage and Healing Crystals? Would That Help?
Booooo Happy (belated) Halloween! Former sports editor is here to tell a chilling and terrifying tale of an unbreakable curse… the curse of Duke football. EEEEEK! Apparently the “dividing line between real relevance and middling mediocrity” in the team’s history is “unmistakable.” Brutal!

Is Your Level of Interest in This, Like, Healthy?
Who’s going to be on the basketball team next year? Apparently this is a big question for many, so you can check out a list of Duke’s recruiting targets and what they bring to the table here. One is a “powerful big man,” “known for playing bully ball,” which sounds like Russian folktale. Another is “Duke’s most mysterious target,” which coincidentally is also what people call me  You’ll never take The Dirt alive! 

I Mean, What Did Y’all Expect? It Says Crazy Right In The Name:
Personally, I was placing ornamental rocks from the Trader Joe’s parking lot to prevent my cat from digging in my potted plants on the morning of the Countdown to Craziness ticket line, and it seems like that was a much better use of my time than attempting to get a ticket. Apparently it was a lengthy ordeal that most students entered with high hopes but left without their desired outcome. Sounds a lot like undergrad!!! Am I right ladies? Oh, y’all already have jobs? Just me? Cool, got it.
 

Where Do We Live, Again?
Turns out, we live in Durham! I will never forget the shock of students in my first-year Focus class when they found out that most people in North Carolina and Durham actually really don’t like Duke. I am sorry if this comes as a shock to you too. “Why wouldn’t they like us?” you might ask in your Yankee accent, clutching your BMW keys in one hand for comfort as you walk up to the house in a residential neighborhood that your frat rents specifically to hold parties and carrying a case of beer in the other. The bottles will shortly end up broken on the sidewalk in front of your neighbor’s house where their kids play. I can’t think of a single reason!
 

  1. Blood Drive at Bull City Brewery: Donate blood, drink a beer. I mean, don’t do them both on the same day, but definitely give blood if you can. Today from 1:30 to 6:30.
  2. DeRay Mckesson: Hear the Black Lives Matter activist speak tonight in Reynolds!
  3. DESTA Fall Fling: The Ethiopian and Eritrean Student Transnational Association will host a fall charity fling at Maverick's tomorrow starting at 10! Go support!
  4. DEMAN Arts & Media Weekend 2018: is this weekend! Sign up to #network and learn about different creative professions. See you there!
  5. Durham Children’s Business Fair: This Sunday starting at 11, go support kids age 6-14 as they flex their entrepreneurial muscles!
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