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THE CHRONICLE
September 27, 2018

Dreaming (Of A Political System That Is Not Like The One We Have Now):
The Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, which protects undocumented people in the U.S. who were brought here as kids, was rescinded by Trump a year ago. There are of course some undocumented students who go to Duke, so we talked to them. Right now, their status is in limbo, with the case of DACA likely to be decided by the Supreme Court, which…yeah. Kind of puts your consulting recruitment woes in perspective for the five minutes you’ll spend thinking about this before composing the fourth Fix My Campus post about having to move to a different seat in West Union to find an electrical outlet this week!

I’m Sorry, He Took What Out of Where?:
A member of the University’s illustrious board of trustees says he will repay all the taxes he evaded by… temporarily removing all the toilets from his home so that it would be classified as uninhabitable. Actually, I’m sorry, this was in just ONE of his homes, because of course he has multiple homes. Also, he’s running for governor of Illinois, because of course he is. Definitely not in the top 10 sexiest ways to commit fraud, but he almost got away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling inspector generals of Illinois!

We Just Want To Be Where The People Are:
Speaking of our illustrious trustees! No one knows what the hell is going on with them, but they’re apparently working on it. NOT by opening their meetings to the public, or like, journalists, but you know what, they’re, I guess, trying. Apparently the changes are because they realize people are “left to imagine” what happens in meetings since they’re currently closed. What do you imagine goes on in a BoT meeting, after the part where they sacrifice an unsuspecting serf to the (blue) devil?

Please Just Give Me Some Money:
I just finished participating in a study where I had to smoke a different cigarette out of a tube at 9 a.m. every week for two months to pay for textbooks, so please congratulate me on that achievement if you see me. Anyway, the University’s endowment is now worth $8.5 billion, which is the most it’s ever been worth. Please just give me some money. And yes, I know that most of the money has to stay in the endowment in order for it to grow and make MORE money. I know. Also, I wanted to put a cheap joke about “endowment” somewhere in here, but then I remember my grandma subscribes to The Dirt, and hopefully yours does too. Also, grandma, don’t send me any money, I’m totally fine!! And I don’t smoke anymore and actually have never smoked in my whole life!! Haha!! Love you!!

Don’t Panic:
Stop panicking!! Phew, I know I was really freaking out but no need to worry: Duke basketball will be fine next season. Even though: they have NO new recruits to play sports ball yet. Zero. Sports editor really did the math on this one, and it turns out we should actually NOT panic, and I trust him. Wait, you said that wasn’t what you were panicking about? Yeah, me too. Sorry, The Dirt can’t help you with any of that.

Sloppy Seconds:
This is a joke about how Duke got second place in their football game, which also known as losing, because there are only two teams in a game. The other team this time was Virginia Tech. Apparently our team did pretty badly, and the team was “sloppy!” This is Duke’s first football loss of the season! And you know what, sometimes we have to learn to let go of perfection. We can’t be successful all the time. It’s okay not to win. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to do terribly on a midterm because you were writing The Dirt instead. Anyway, next story!

He’s Back, and He’s Better Than Ever, Except They Still Didn’t Win:
More football! Duke quarterback Daniel Jones is back after his clavicle injury! He only took three weeks of recovery, which I personally find concerning since it takes me a solid two to come back from a minor cold, but I guess he’s an adult and can make these decisions for himself. I’ll tell you what’s going to cause some more football injuries: people walking back to their illegally parked cars in the dark after the home football games end. Now that you’re not panicking about Duke basketball, you can panic about the possibility that one of these days I’m gonna accidentally mow down an entire family of Duke fans in football jerseys on Academy Road.
 

Excited For My iPhone To Consume Even More of My Life Than It Already Does:
Since we’re all giant idiots who leave our wallets everywhere but somehow always have our cell phones, Duke and Apple have teamed up to cater to our foolishness by allowing us to tap our phones to get into buildings instead of our DukeCards. Thanks, I guess! Prolific Chronicle consumer and Duke professor Michael Gustafson commented on this article “I can still use my Android phone to get into buildings... I just call someone already inside!” which actually did make me laugh. Thank you sir for the joke, and for driving 30 percent of our online traffic.

Ham It Up While You Still Can:
We may be getting a new kosher deli at Duke, which I for one would welcome even though I’ve never been to one since I am not from the North and have only a tenuous understanding of what it means to be kosher since I am not educated. The deli would go where Red Mango used to be in the Bryan Center. It doesn’t yet appear to be a done deal, so definitely spam (get it?) DUSDAC with your suggestions for the next couple of weeks.

If We Die, We Die, I Guess:
You asked, WE ANSWERED! A bunch of y’all wanted to know why there aren’t like, alarms inside buildings in case of tornadoes like we had two weeks ago, and you asked us using our new service Chronquiry. Okay, so literally why aren’t there? Well, you have to click on the article to find out! Just kidding, this isn’t Buzzfeed. Apparently they don’t have indoor warning sirens for things like tornadoes because people think they’re fire alarms and go outside, which is the opposite of what you should do for a tornado. Also, submit more questions to Chronquiry, like, “Is the person who writes The Dirt okay?” and “is the person who writes The Dirt as beautiful and charming in real life as she is in these emails?” Yes, she is.

  1. Building Bridges concert: This tribute to Iraq’s musical heritage will be tonight in the Ruby!
  2. Becoming Johanna screening: Watch this documentary about the life of trans teenage girl and then hear from its director tonight at the Trent Semans center!
  3. Phoenix Fest: Durham’s celebration of African American culture is back this Saturday with a free parade and music!
  4. Duke Lemur Center benefit: Support the lemurs by going to this super expensive but probably very fun party at the lemur center Saturday!
  5. Durham Big Sweep 2018: Go help clean up our city on Saturday, y’all! You live here!
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