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THE CHRONICLE
December 6, 2018

Carr Is Dead, Long Live The… Classroom Building?
That’s right, people: Carr is no more. Well, except that the name’s still on there, and probably won’t change at least until they decide on a real new name. For now, we have… The Classroom Building. Thrilling! Eye-catching! Innovative! Revolutionary, even! The Classroom Building will join our illustrious list of creatively named buildings, like East Residence Hall and Trinity dorm (apparently that’s the real name of the megadorm—who knew?), just waiting for the perfect donor and/or retiring university president to come along and give them a real name. It’s kind of sad, really. And I would know: when I was born, my parents legally named me “Crying Infant” and waited for a rich person to come along to name me after. Still waiting!

Hello? Carol?:
Remember Silent Sam? Me neither, but UNC Chancellor Carol Folt is determined to bring him back, and better than ever: they want the white supremacist statue, which was toppled by students earlier this year, to have his own custom, state-of-the-art house. Wow! The “free-standing building” would cost $5.3 million to build, plus $800,000 per year to maintain and secure. By my estimates, UNC could instead pay for two private concerts by Beyonce, and then create ten faculty positions. In fact, that is my formal recommendation for what they should do with the money instead. Honestly, I don’t know what Carol Folt THOUGHT was going to happen when they announced this. Like, did she and their Board just think, “oh yeah. People will really like this.” Spoiler alert: they Really Don’t. I will say, though, the good people of UNC sure do have a convenient, dramatic space to protest. Since Duke is carefully distinct from the rest of our city, protests here never quite achieve the visual drama of a UNC protest! Also, no one has suggested building a 5.3 million dollar building to house OUR racist statues, so there’s that.



Y’all Ever, Like, Talk To A Student?
Remember how The Chronicle reported that students learned their health insurance would no longer be paid for by the University, and then the University said, ‘whoops! Our bad!’? We were so young then! Well, the intermediate step between those two occurrences was that a bunch of students were like, “wait, what?” And then they met with administrators, presumably to be like, “actually, I need health insurance to live.” And then the administrators, I guess, were like, “oh right! We hadn’t thought of that.” Really normal stuff. Again, I really have to wonder: what did the administrators at Duke THINK was going to happen when these changes were announced? Both this story and the previous one add to my personal theory that the more time you spend at a university, the more your sense of reality is distorted, causing your brain to physically melt and eventually ooze out of your ears. Fortunately, we all still have health insurance to deal with that!

Somebody Take The Hawks to a Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, Because They Got Beat:
I was told to cover the “b-ball gamer” here, which did take me a solid ten minutes to distinguish from the other two stories about the very same game, but like, told in different ways. Fingers crossed I picked the right one! I can, though, report with certainty after this thorough Dirt investigation that last night, Duke men’s basketball DID win against a team called the Hartford Hawks, which sounds like a fake basketball team, but that we think Duke SHOULD have beat them by MORE points than they did. This is how you can tell that Coach K and I think about things differently: whenever I experience a victory, I take it and run before someone realizes that there’s been a mistake, whereas Coach K said after this game, “we also took some not so good shots.” Fair enough!

Coach K Be A Hebrew School Teacher:
Here’s a whimsical sports story for you: Coach K, who is Catholic, made a surprise appearance at the Hanukkah menorah lighting on the Bryan Center plaza this week. He was for some reason permitted to deliver a speech, in which he endorsed Jesus (“a good guy”), mentioned Zion Williamson, compared the Maccabees to an athletic team, and admitted he had no idea “how the hell” to light the giant novelty menorah. Incredible.

*Louisiana Accent*: FoooootBAAAAAW:
Duke football is going to Shreveport, Louisiana! Nope, not for vacation; it’s to play a football game against Temple in something called the “Independence Bowl.” There are so many bowls in football that I feel like I’m at an artisanal pottery show. If I were a Duke football player’s mother, I would really not be thrilled that they’re having to travel two days after Christmas, but I guess #ballislife?
 

Nothing To See Down There, Folks… Definitely Nothing:
One of Duke’s mysteries are the tunnels underneath campus, so we at The Chronicle, determined to take the fun out of everything, investigated. “There really is no big secret down there,” said a safety manager who DEFINITELY knows there’s a big secret down there. What do you think it is? David Rubenstein’s secret sex dungeon? That broken statue of Robert E. Lee? A shadow Duke Student Government? My hopes and dreams for the future? Dick Brodhead? Anyway, if you see someone who looks just like me down there, don’t trust a word she says. That’s my evil twin, The Slime, and her power is contained in the tunnels for as long as people continue to click the links in this newsletter. And trust me, the chaos energy of The Slime is not something you want to be responsible for unleashing.

Here for the Holidays? Let Us Help:
Recess, the most helpful department, has compiled a list of the things to do in Durham over the holidays for those of us who are stuck here, like me! Some ideas not mentioned in their article, courtesy of The Dirt: sitting in a Perkins group study room alone for as long as you want, camping out in K-Ville (no pesky line monitors to interrupt you!), finally learning how to do your own laundry with the time you’ll have after exams to dedicate to it, literally crying your eyes out in the lecture hall like you’ve been telling people you’re -this close- to doing all semester, figuring out where in Durham Michael Peterson from The Staircase lives now, and ordering Sazón without having to wait in line. See? I basically planned out your December for you. You’re welcome.

  1. Stampede of Love: Duke is literally bringing miniature therapy horses to Lilly at 3 pm tomorrow. Bizarre but probably fun!
  2. Latkapalooza!: Enjoy a latke or two with Jewish Student Union in the Krafthouse tonight from 7 to 9 pm!
  3. The Gothic Christmas Show: Duke Out Of The Blue and Duke Pitchforks have their holiday concert tomorrow at 8 pm in the Gothic reading room. Fancy!
  4. Study Hall at the Nasher: The Nasher will have free snacks from 3-11 pm Monday for a change of scenery as you cry over your final papers.
  5. Farmworkers in NC Mural Launch: Local artist Cornelio Campos has been collaborating with a service-learning class all semester in painting a mural to honor farmworkers, which will be unveiled in the Ruby next Wednesday at 5 pm.
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