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January 17th, 2019

“Despite how much profit the University gains from the labor and entertainment value of its student-athletes, they are still students at this University.
— The Chronicle Editorial Board, on how campus glosses over issues with Duke’s basketball program.

Take Me to Church
Is what the LGBTQ+ community is saying to the denomination. Duke, along with 92 other United Methodist affiliated colleges and universities is here to help. The 93 schools signed a statement calling on the church to fully include LGBTQ+ Christians. As of right now, the Book of Discipline prohibits “self-avowed practicing homosexuals” from becoming ministers and says pastors can’t marry them. It’s not as 2019 as we all thought, huh? The General Conference of the United Methodist Church AKA the people in charge of these decisions for the church will announce the denomination’s official stance in February.
That’s right ladies and gents, K-Ville is no longer a ville (is that short for village?), it’s turning into a city. Okay, the name isn’t changing or anything, but its borders are expanding all the way near Towerview Road for the new “flex tenting” that will replace walk-up line for the UNC game this year. Important reminder and sad reminder: flex tenting does not guarantee you entry to the game, so you better be prepared to shed some tears on game day. The ordering of the flex tent will not be determined by a line that everybody cuts, as the ordering of walk-up line was determined last year, but rather by a scavenger hunt called the Race to the Secret Spot. The first 30 groups will receive white tenting spots while the next 30 will be flex tenters, setting up camp at the Ambler Tennis Stadium. Weird flex, but ok.
A Fight to the Death
Kidding, that’s dramatic, but the four finalists for Young Trustee have finally been chosen and will be battling it out until the winner is chosen late in about a month. The finalists who are all seniors, are Archana Ahlawat, Brian Buhr, Luke Farrell, and Trey Walk. Ahlawat sees the experience of marginalized people on campus as a large issue facing Duke, and wants to be the one to fix it. Buhr (brrrrr) identified 3 major issues at Duke: Duke’s relationship with government and financial institutions, regional and community development issues, and Duke’s interactions with the “humans of Duke” themselves. For Farrell, financial aid is a hugely important issue that needs to be addressed, as well as Duke’s housing model, hate and bias on campus, and Duke’s investments abroad. Finally, Walk believes Duke faces similar issues that our country does, including mental health and wellness, racial justice issues, and making “dollars work’ with financial aid. May the odds be ever in your favor, etc.

—Mr. Krabs and all of the student organizations who just got big grants from DSG. In a meeting last Wednesday, DSG Senate approved over $45,000 in funding for student organizations and chartered two new undergrad groups: a Mixed Martial Arts club and a comedic podcasting group. The new podcast group will be called Freshly Squeezed Pulp—to the shock of many, they’re not making podcasts for orange juice enthusiasts, but rather ones dedicated to pulp-fiction podcasting. As for pre-existing clubs, the senate also handed out some serious mooolah to the Asian Students Association, the TEDxDuke Conference, Delta Sigma Theta, Duke Conservation Tech, Duke American Sign Language, and duARTS.

Pittsburgh is the Pitts
Tuesday night, Duke crushed Pittsburgh 79-64, with Zion Williamson and R.J. Barrett leading the charge. The two freshmen combined for 51 points, while junior Marques Bolden had four rejections and nine boards and Williamson, Cam Reddish, and Jack White were rebounding like crazy. And now, onto the next: Georgia Tech this Saturday. Be there.
Harris at the Helm
Despite losing our 3-year starting QB (thanks a lot, NFL Draft), we’re gonna be alright on the football field next fall, according to Chron staffer Derek Saul. According to him, Quentin Harris, who will most likely take the starting QB role this fall, has gained tons of experience as Daniel Jones’ backup over the years. Now that he’s stepping up, he’s got us covered. Just take a look at his recent performance against Baylor.
Elon, Be Gone
The fourth-ranked Blue Devils women’s tennis team is looking to crush Elon in its home opener this Wednesday at 3pm. Duke's got freaking Maria Mateas, one of the best singles players in the nation. The team got to the semi-finals of the NCAA Tourney last season, and they’re gonna go even farther this year.


K-Ville Kleptos
Last week, line monitors had to confiscate plastic pallets that many K-Ville tenters had taken from a local hardware store owner in order to keep their tents off the ground. Allow us to explain. Usually, tenters use wooden pallets they’ve obtained from stores like Ace Hardware, but this year, mischievous tenters snatched plastic pallets from the local store owner that were marked to be shipped back to Ace’s warehouses. Each day that went by that the owner could not return the pallets to Ace Hardware, the local store owner was charged a fat fee. He saw the pallets on TV while he was watching the Syracuse game and called the Duke po po immediately. The monitors informed tenters of the situation at line check and ultimately 19 of the plastic pallets were recovered. It’s savage szn out here. The pallets were returned to the storeowner, who luckily didn’t press charges. He’s probably not rooting for Duke in the next game, though.
AMCO is the name of the new pop-up restaurant that will be in the Chef’s Kitchen on the second floor of WU until February 15th, and they’re servin’ up “build-your-own American comfort food.” Yeah, we thought that’d get your attention. According to a food critique from The Chron, the mac n’ cheese is some next level stuff. Check out his review of a few of AMCO’s dishes, including the ever-so-special mac n’ cheese, charred Brussel sprouts, chicken tenders, apple fritters, and more.   
Lyft Some Strain Off Your Wallet
…With the new Duke partnership with Lyft, which will give free rides to members of Duke to and from certain locations, including the Duke Lemur Center, the Duke Campus Farm, and more. That’s right, Duke dumped Uber for Lyft. Dramaaaaaa. Duke will foot the bill for the ride as long as you begin or end your ride form West, Central, or East Campus between 6am and 8:30pm. Get that promo code by downloading Lyft, making an account with your Duke email address, and signing an e-waiver on the Duke Parking website. Can we get free rides to Devine’s too?

If you haven’t checked out the new pizza spot, Hutchins Garage…YOU GOTTA.
  1. 17 Years At War: Come out to Sanford today at 5 to hear General Stanley McChrystal, retired Commander of U.S. and International Security Assistance Forces in Afghanistan speak. He revolutionized the way military agencies coordinate counterterrorism efforts, and will be reflecting on the US since 9/11.
  2. Women’s B-ball vs. Syracuse: Come see women’s basketball dominate against Syracuse in Cameron at 1pm on Sunday! See ya, ‘Cuse!
  3. Spring Activities Fair: There’s so much room for activities!!! Come out to Penn Pavillion next Wednesday to check out new and existing organizations on Duke’s campus that you might want to join!
  4. Triangle Restaurant Week: Big food things happening in the Triangle this week, people. Come out to Mia Francesca at North Hills for an exclusive prix-fixe lunch and dinner menu all week. There will be Pollo alla Romano, Spaghetti and Meatballs, and Rigatoni con Pollo. YUM! Make your reservations here.
  5. Hoof ‘n’ Horn Presents: Spring Awakening: The show opens tonight! Come out to Hoof ‘n’ Horn’s production of Spring Awakening starting tonight and showing until February 3rd. It’s a show you won’t want to miss.

The Dirt
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