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November 8, 2018

Live To Die Another Day:
Late last week, Price sent The Chronicle a letter to the editor, a first for him (we love civic engagement!), and really buried the lede that Duke actually is NOT cutting health insurance for current students after all. Whoops! Our bad, Price said (approximately). Personally, I plan on really going crazy with this last year of health insurance coverage before I graduate. I’m gonna do it all! Get mono! Break a femur! Pinkeye in both eyes! Thanks, Duke.

Hyde House Must Now Go Into Hiding:
That’s how it works, right? The losers of the DSG judicial case must immediately go into exile aka Central? Anyway, yeah, Hyde House lost their lawsuit. Do you think that people in the DSG judiciary ever just wear their judicial robes around? Or like, to an American-themed darty? Shout-out to the DSG Chief Justice for actually managing to pull that look off, and shout-out to the person sitting next to her for ditching the robes entirely. You know, sometimes people say that Duke students are busy but apparently this hearing was packed, literally standing room only. Like… I KNOW that I’m a sick and twisted person for actively tuning in to watch the full live stream of this hearing (like The Chronicle on Facebook for more Judicial Content!), but can you imagine the shame of going to see it in person? Like, where other people can see you? All in all, an unfortunate situation, especially for Hyde House members.

Congrats, I Guess?
We watched the midterms! A couple of Duke alums ran for office, unsurprisingly, and some of them won, which is surprising considering how blindingly unlikeable most of us are, and also the fact that one alum—a Board of Trustees member!—owes several hundred thousand dollars in back taxes for removing toilets from ONE of his homes to the state which he is now the governor-elect of. Did you watch the midterm results come in on cable TV like we did? Do you think either the DSG judiciary and the CNN commentators ever have moments of self-awareness where they realize how futile and absurd the theater they’re conducting is? Or, in both cases, is the joke really on us, for consuming such a spectacle despite ourselves?

Don’t ALL Basketball Wins Require “Using Accurate Shooting?”
Serious question. Anyway, the basketball team did very well in their game against Kentucky on Tuesday! They won even though they are ranked lower! Great job! According to Coach K, the team is composed of “great kids who want to be good all the time” and who “laugh at my jokes—whether they’re funny or not.” This is also how I describe The Chronicle staff. The similarities between myself and Coach K at this point are truly striking: we have the same basketball knowledge (renowned), age (probably like 80 years old), and national reputation (widely hated).

Sports! If you like sports, you’re probably feeling pretty good! The football team won their game against Miami on Saturday despite “bad mental mistakes,” (same) making them eligible for a “bowl”, though NOT the Super Bowl because that’s professional football, I believe. So apparently there are other bowls, too! That’s exciting for you! “Old fashioned mud game” kind of sounds like a cocktail I would order at The Loop bar on food points, you know? Cutcliffe, in a fascinating turn of phrase, explained that "Where I come from, they feed a pig, and slaughter hogs, so you don’t get hoggish, you better stay hungry." Truly a Zen koan of our time.

Join Our Club:
The Chronicle has launched a private Facebook page for you to get extra basketball photos, knowledge, and discussion from us! (Scroll to the bottom of this page to sign up.) It’s free for students, 10$ for others, and I’m told it’s really the place to be for Dukebasketball fans. I, for some reason, am also a member of this, and I’m really trying my best to participate and contribute. I am overall a net drain on the group, but everyone else is a knowledgeable delight and I’m sure you would enjoy it if you like basketball.

Vape Gods Rejoice: 
Fortunately for me, I will graduate before Duke’s campus-wide smoking ban takes effect in 2020, and fortunately for you underclassmen, JUULs and other vapes will still be permitted under the ban. Vapes have become more and more ubiquitous, which is definitely bad, but also kind of funny. Though I did recently participate in that study where I smoked cigarettes for money, even I draw the line somewhere, and I truly will never vape. I have to maintain some dignity here, you know? But if you do, congratulations, your weirdly socially acceptable habit is safe!

The Dirt Guide for Off Campus Housing:
Hey Juniors - the fall semester is more than halfway over. Senior Year not only signals your approaching graduation date but also the era of living off-campus, your gradual acclimation to adult life. You’ll have kitchens where you’ll prepare more than microwavable Ramen, bathrooms that you must clean yourselves and separate bedrooms! But before you get to enjoy these luxuries, you must figure out where to move.

So, what are the options? Check out our guide here.

For more information regarding the big off-campus move, Duke Housing and Residence Life will be holding an info session on November 13, from 12 to 2 in room 068 of the Brodhead Center. There will be a plethora of free swag items from different housing communities. 

Do We Really Do This Every Year:
OK, this is probably the last time I’m going to make fun of the DSG Judiciary for a while (yes, I’m sad too, thank you for going on this journey with me), but this is a really good one. Yes, I deserve to be made fun of for publicly finding DSG entertaining, but you get to share in the shame by clicking on it. We took a look back at some of the most memorable DSG Judiciary cases, and boy, if it isn’t a more scathing indictment of this ridiculous university than I could ever write: iPads! K-Ville! PASH! This article has it all. “That one was crazy, if you will,” current Chief Justice Analese Bridges said about one of the cases, and Analese… I absolutely will.


  1. Afroworld Gala: Tomorrow in the Ruby starting at 7, DukeAFRICA will have food, dancing, looks, etc.!
  2. Duke vs. North Carolina football: This Monday at 12:30! There’s something about a bell!
  3. Duke Diwali 2018: Come out to Penn Pavilion this Saturday at 6:30 for a Diwali celebration.
  4. Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week: begins this Monday and will have events throughout the week.
  5. Gender Wednesday with Durham Mayor Steve Schewel: Schewel will be discussing the future of Durham at this event in East Duke next Wednesday at noon.
  6. Duke Djembe and Afro-Cuban Ensembles: Start your weekend with the rhythms of West Africa and the Caribbean as guest artist Bolokada Conde, a Master Drummer in the Mande tradition, takes the stage.
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