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THE CHRONICLE
October 25, 2018

Guess I’ll Die:
Some students on financial aid got the news earlier this month that the University will no longer pay for their student health insurance. Health insurance is required to enroll in classes, so students must either find health insurance on their own or pay $3,535 UP FRONT before the fall semester begins to buy Duke’s student health insurance. I did the math, and it turns out $3,535 could also pay for six months of my rent, a relatively nice used car, three fancy laptops, or around 12,000 bags of ramen. It’s a lot of money, is what I’m saying. But hey: if you sell your kidney to afford this health insurance, at least when you develop surgical complications in the middle of your chemistry lecture, your E.R. visit will only have a $150 co-pay.

This Is More Complicated Than 19th Century Russia:
Duke has literally 60 different titles for professors, which seems… excessive? The takeaway, though, is that Duke has hired a ton of non-tenure track faculty, including adjunct faculty, over the past ten years, while the number of tenure-track faculty has actually decreased since 2008. It’s almost like tenured professors are more trouble than they’re worth! But also, the committee of professors who investigated this found that adjunct professors don’t actually um, earn a living wage. Whoops!

Please Give All Of Us Some Money:
Rounding out the “Duke financially cuts corners in a way that screws over various members of the community” triad today is this story about graduate student pay. Graduate students don’t get paid for the school year until the very end of September, which means they pretty much have to take out loans for such frivolous expenses as coming to Durham, getting an apartment, and buying furniture. That’s what you get for majoring in English, I guess?

I Mean, Definitely Do Vote, But Maybe Also Be Informed:
It’s finally voting season, baby, and that means you need to know what’s on the ballot. Since I know all of you changed your voter registration from Connecticut to North Carolina because you wanted to be a swing voter in 2016, you may not be highly informed on the issues of our dear Tar Heel state (don’t yell at me, that’s just what it’s called!). Never fear, The Dirt is here. To avoid frantically googling things like “what is an attorney general” while in line to get your ballot (I know, we’ve all been there), you should read this article about what amendments are on the ballot and what they mean. My favorite is the hunting and fishing amendment, which is both VERY North Carolina and also relatively useless since you like, already have the right to hunt and fish.

The Winner Takes It All! The Loser Standing Small! I Was In Your Arms!
Sorry, sometimes I have to listen to ABBA to get through this section. Writing The Dirt has turned me into somewhat of a Duke football expert, and I have to say I think I’ve noticed something… our football team loses a lot. But that’s okay! I lose a lot too and I’m still deserving of love and respect! Maybe we’ll get ‘em next time! But this time, Duke football definitely lost. In Sunday’s game,  the “running game [was] unable to get anything going.” If you click on the article, you can see if you can decipher what that means because I, myself, am unable to make heads or tails of it. If you scroll further down that page, you can see that the second half of the article is just a numbered list of OTHER numbers, which are apparently important. Go figure.

Literally What Is An Alley-Oop Slam?
The more sports articles I read, the more convinced I am that you guys are just making this whole thing up as you go along and everyone has to pretend like they know what the other people talking about sports are saying. Anyway, Duke basketball won their first game of the season in Cameron Indoor as an exhibition game against Virginia Union. Players and coaches attributed that to team’s overall “unselfishness,” which is sweet. They had a slow start but apparently “spurted out” to a lead, which, ew, and eventually delivered a “dominant performance.” “Dominant performance” is also what I call it when I don’t get asked for my ID at the ABC store.


 

Here Comes Halloween! Here Comes Halloween!
Halloween is my favorite holiday because it gives me an opportunity to be someone else for a few hours. You have to take the opportunity to escape from your current form whenever you can, you know? Anyway, if you won’t be joining me on Franklin Street for an evening of irresponsible physical and academic choices, we wrote about some other things you could do next Wednesday night in honor of the holiday, including trivia, comedy, film screenings, and a history tour. I know I’m getting old because the history tour they write about on here actually sounds incredibly appealing. Please prepare my AARP card and invite me to bingo night!

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other:
We read the course catalog so YOU don’t have to! I mean, you still probably should since you only register for classes eight (or so) times in life, but if you’re too lazy to take control over your own life, let The Chronicle do it for you! We compiled the most “unorthodox” Spring courses, which are mostly about popular culture, except for one Innovation and Entrepreneurship class which is chillingly introduced by the sentence  “In this class, the instructors will not assign your homework—the military will.” If that’s not dystopian then I don’t know what is! But The Dirt is just a lowly humanities major so what do I know?

  1. The Future of Media and Public Opinion with President Price: Did you know Price wrote a book about public opinion? Me neither, but tonight at 6 you can go see what he has to say about it.
  2. Halloween Trivia: Join DUU and GPSC tonight at Krafthouse from 9-11 pm for some early Halloween-themed trivia.
  3. Mid90s Screening: There will be a free screening of Jonah Hill’s new movie for Duke students tonight at Southpoint, but you have to RSVP!
  4. All Hallow's Eve SwampThang Muck Ball: The Coffeehouse is hosting a free Halloween party on Saturday night!
  5. Lecture with Nobel Laureate: Nadia Murad, the winner of the 2018 Nobel peace prize, will give a lecture on ethics next Monday at 5:30 in Penn Pavilion.
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