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THE CHRONICLE
November 15, 2018

Maybe We Should All Just Like, Take a Gap Year From 2018:
A gap year! Apparently, high school is so stressful and busy that kids have to take a gap year to go find themselves in a foreign country for a year before coming to an elite college. Or something. Anyway, a family has now donated enough money for 15-20 students per year to take a FUNDED gap year before they come to Duke, starting with the class of 2023. 

The People of Durham Are Benched Indefinitely:
The Central Campus courts and fields: not a place I have ever visited, despite having lived on Central for two years. I have a friend who exclaims “Who ARE those people?” every time we go by the basketball courts and there are a lot of games going on. And as you may have guessed, “those people” are sometimes not Duke students and Duke doesn’t want them here! Duke LOVES a Duke-Durham partnership. But not this one! Now you can enjoy your basketball and soccer games secure in the knowledge that you will not be troubled by the proletariat. Oh, other than the security guard who will ask you for your I.D. every time you step onto the court.

Literally Where Will You Be Living Next Year:
With the way my job search is going, I’ll probably be living under that weird bridge in Durham that’s too low and scrapes the tops off big trucks. My job will be jumping out at passing pedestrians, at least before I am eventually pushed into traffic by a billy goat more clever and cunning than I could ever hope to be. Anyway, if you guys are living on campus, you can find out where your section will be living here. RIP Central Campus!

Don’t Ever Talk To Me Or My Son Again:
Turns out, Rand Paul’s son is a sophomore at Duke, and his name is Robert. Cool, I guess? Rand Paul is best known for his failed presidential candidacy back in 2016. It’s really been a long two years. (Rand) Paul visited Duke this weekend and gave a talk! Okay! The Dirt is a non-partisan publication so we will not be making commentary on his speech! Anyway, Rand Paul also went to medical school at Duke, apparently, as did his father, Ron Paul, best known for his failed presidential candidacy in 1988, 2008, and 2012. Whoops, we’re back at politics again! Can’t get away from it with a name like R(obert/on/and) Paul! Quickly, though, what if your doctor was a libertarian? Just like, “no need to get a flu shot, son.” (That’s a real position Ron and Rand Paul hold!)

People at This School Find New Ways to Terrify Me Each Day:
There are, apparently, 3 options for people who want to watch the UNC game (RIP walk-up line): watch it on TV like a normal person, camp out for a month and get pneumonia, or sneak in to Cameron. This story is about the people who sneak in!! One of the students in this article posed as a Chronicle reporter! Can you believe? Even if she had not posed as a reporter, which… the sheer nerve of it all… both of the people in this article sound like terrifying psychopaths. I suggested we do a poll on the Chronicle site, “Would you literally kill for entry into Cameron for the UNC game?” but no one wanted the legal culpability nor the weight of knowing how many of their classmates would step over their still-warm body for the opportunity to enjoy a basketball game.

A Man Named Boogie:
A current high-school student named Boogie Ellis will be a freshman on the basketball team next year, and we’re very excited about it. Ellis apparently has a “smooth jumper” and is a “four-star guard” but frankly whether that’s a quality assessment or the title of a position I really could not tell you. You can read the article for more info!

Batting Down the Black Knights:
Duke won their men’s basketball game against Army on Sunday, but apparently it was still kind of not very impressive because they didn’t win by enough, and Army is not very good. Coach K said “our guys need to know that when we play a team, you’ve got house money,” which, sure, probably! I’m intrigued that the Army team’s mascot is the Black Knights and I feel like there’s some kind of paper about the shift from feudalism to Western imperialism it symbolizes. Anyway, congrats to the basketball team!

You Know You’re Getting Old When You Find This List Depressing and Not Inspiring:
Vast numbers of huge nerds who went to Duke made the Forbes 30 Under 30 list, which was released earlier this week. Looks like most of them did either finance or were pre-med, which is a great reminder just in case Duke forgot which students to primarily devote resources to! I’m excited to announce that I, too, made the Forbes 30 Under 30, for sheer innovation in the number of different ways I can overshare personal problems to my professors as reasons for why I skipped class several (but under 30) times this semester. Duke is so proud.

Did Your Dog Eat Your Homework? Wait, Isn’t That an HRL Violation?
When I clicked on this, I felt a flash of dread because I know there’s a chance one of my excuses made it in here. Hey, I’ve been at this school four years and sometimes you just get tired. Professors told The Chronicle about the strangest excuses for missing class or homework they’ve ever received. My excuses are not in this article—thanks, professors—but yours might be! Check it out!

  1. FoodFest 2018: The Duke International Association is hosting a cultural food ~event~ on the Bryan Center plaza from 4 to 6 tomorrow!
  2. Queer Heartache: You’re invited to my latest breakup, just kidding, this is a slam poetry show at 7 tomorrow in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance.
  3. Duke Teaching Observatory Open House: Look at the stars and planets at 6:30 tomorrow night!
  4. DefMo Fall Workshop: Get better at dancing with DefMo this Sunday from 12 to 4!
  5. Black Farmer’s Market: This Sunday, support local black farmers downtown-ish (in front of the Mutual building) from 12 to 5!
  6. November Dances 2018: Duke Dance's fall concert featuring ballet, modern, and dance theater works at the Bryan Center starting at 7:30 on Friday.
  7. Duke Opera Workshop: Check out a revue of popular songs with costumes and staging tomorrow night at 8 in the Nelson Music Room! 
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