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THE CHRONICLE
April 26th, 2018

"...SLG parties dismantle the reliance on men for both the place and the alcohol to get the party going." 

—Ryan Williams, in his piece defending SLGs on campus.

Koch Board
And we’re not talking about the Board of Trustees of Koch Industries. We mean the new scoreboard coming to Duke, called the “Koch Family Scoreboard,” which was named to honor the Koch family’s support for the Duke baseball team. We actually don’t even know if we’re talking about the Koch family that founded Koch Industries. News of the name of the scoreboard was accidentally released in a summary of the last board meeting (yikes), but now the trustees are refusing to share any specific details about the family until the formal public announcement in the next month or two. 
 
It’s Security Szn
…On central campus, after a student reported being raped by a man holding a knife in a common room early last month. Students and families are bugging out about the lack of safety measures on central given this most recent incident, pushing Larry Moneta to increase security on the soon-to-be-gone campus. Some of the increased security measures being put in place by Larry Moneta include Duke Card readers outside common rooms, automatic door closures, security cameras, and increased security guards. Seems like we won’t be too sad to see you go after all, central. We also won’t miss your mold. Or the fact that your pool is only open during the months when nobody is on campus.
 
We’ve Got an Important Acronym for You to Learn
It’s PSOTU—People’s State of the University, and given the amount of meetings they’ve been holding with administrators, it seems that they’re here to stay. If you need a refresher, or just a regular fresher in the case that you’re a freshman, PSOTU is group of students who bombarded Prez Price during his alumni address last year, issuing a list of demands to the administration. While they once faced potential disciplinary action for their disruption of the address, many professors on campus said “Nope!” to their potential punishment, and the group has now completed many items on their list of demands and is still working on more. They’ve also begun some new initiatives. 

All Eyes on Zion
How could they not be, after his 360° slam in last week’s game against Clemson. According to Williamson, the crowd’s reaction was the loudest he’s ever heard after a dunk. He didn’t stop there, scoring 25 points over the course of the game. Coach K might be a bigger Williamson fan than the Cameron Crazies, saying “He’s a treasure…he’s the total package, there’s no question about it.” To nobody’s surprise, Williamson led the charge in Duke’s game against Wake Forest, with a career high of 30 points.
 












 



Aaaaaaaand the crowd. Goes. Wild.


Losing to Louisville
Unfortunately, the Duke women’s basketball team haven’t been having the same success as the men’s team, losing 73-51 to No. 3 Louisville last week after having lost the week before to No. 9 NC State. Yeeeeesh. They’ll be heading down to Atlanta to matchup against Georgia Tech next and are hoping to learn from these last two losses to compete with the Yellow Jackets.

 

Mo Drama for L Mo
First, VP of student affairs Larry Moneta had to delete his Twitter after posting a controversial tweet about free speech, leading him to receive anonymous hate messages. Now, he’s had to take a “hiatus” from Facebook after posts from his visit to Duke Kunshan University in China were met with some serious student criticism. Moneta posted a series of photos of the trip along with captions saying, “reasons to move to China…NOT!” As per usual, these posts made their way into the Duke Memes for Gothicc Teens Facebook group and it was notttt pretty. Discussion on the Facebook forum ultimately led to a public statement from the Asian Students Association calling Moneta out for being “culturally insensitive” and “very racist.” Ohhhhhh, snap. 
 
If Elle Woods Could Do It, You Can Too
An Obama-appointed judge named Richard Andrews recently dismissed a lawsuit filed by a Duke Law School applicant who didn’t take his LSAT and was thus withdrawn from the application process. But after the judge dismissed it, the plaintiff filed a motion asking for the judge to remove himself from the case, claiming that the judge was not impartial. Do you know what he cited as his reasoning for his claim? Birtherism. What the actual heck is that, you might ask? It’s the conspiracy theory that Barack Obama was born in Africa. Confused? Us too—very much so. But luckily for Duke, according to our VP of public affairs, the lawsuit is simply a “frivolous nuisance suit” and won’t lead to anything.


A Solution to Your Middle School English Class Struggles
Remember having to write sonnets in English class, pretending to understand what iambic pentameter is? As if you were freaking Shakespeare himself? 4 Duke undergrads on the Duke Data Science team have come up with a solution for poetically-challenged students, with the computer algorithm they wrote that generates “human-like” sonnets. The sonnets are so human-like, in fact, that the algorithm won them first place at the 2018 PoetiX Literary Creative Turing Test competition. So…how can we get our hands on this algorithm?
 
Are Duke Birds Just Extra Dumb?
Because it seems like they can’t stop flying into glass buildings on campus. Multiple students have posted about it on the Fix My Campus Facebook page along with photos of birds that have recently met their death after colliding with a thick hunk of glass. Turns out it may not be the poor birds’ fault, as three years ago the Bird Window Collision Project (yes, that’s a real thing) showed that Duke’s bird safety is one of the worst in the country. Yikes. Apparently the number of birds killed on campus each year is in the thousands. Can someone help end the Duke bird massacre? Please?   

We just can't get enough of this kid.
Pizzeria Toro, you have TRULY outdone yourself.
  1. Devil’s Thrifthouse: January 30th, there will be a pop up thrift store in the Brodhead Center from 11am to 6pm. They will be accepting and giving away gently used clothes, school supplies, and dorm/apartment supplies for free. FREE!!!!!
  2. China’s Concentration Camps: What’s at Stake: Come out on January 28th to hear a survivor of these concentration camps deliver a testimony of her experiences. Perkins 217, be there.
  3. Hoof ‘n’ Horn Presents: Spring Awakening: Come out to the Sheafer Laboratory Theater in the Bryan Center between January 24th–February 3rd to see Spring Awakening, a play about teenagers struggling to navigate their sexualities in a repressive society. The original piece on Broadway won 8 Tony Awards! See you there!!
  4. Our Mamas Been Rockin’ Hijab Since Before We Were Babies: Jamillah Karim will be speaking at the John Hope Franklin Center on January 17th about the years of struggle, creativity, and perseverance by Muslim women to make the hijab a symbol of resistance to Islamophobia and a celebration of Muslim women.
  5. John Koskinen: A Life of Public Service: Come out to hear John Koskinen talk about his lifetime of public service. He was nominated by President Obama to be the 48th Commissioner of the IRS! You’ll wanna hear him speak!
Good luck getting off those waitlists. 

Crossing our fingers for you,
The Dirt
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