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October 18, 2018

The Class of 2022: A Bunch of Liberal Squares? Probably, But See What The Data Says:
Look at these pleasing graphs of data from first-years my friend made. Remember how full of hopes and dreams you were when you first came here? That’s what these first-years are experiencing. Only half of them had ever had alcohol! Remember when you were like that too? What happens to us here? Who have we become? What do we have to show for our time? Have we become better people or merely accumulated more experiences and more accolades? Anyway, like a quarter of them hired “private admissions counselors” which I personally find completely insane. Also, legacies appear to be way richer than non-legacies which like, yeah.

Need to Regain A Sense of Control Over Your Own Life? Try Voting, I Guess:
Early voting opened this week, so we wrote a guide about how to do it in Durham. If there’s one uncontroversial thing you want to do this week, it should be early voting. People really love that stuff. Especially old people. We have a bunch of constitutional amendments on the ballot this year, and The Chronicle will tell you what they mean. Regrettably, my amendment, the “Give The Dirt a job” amendment, will not appear on the ballot this midterm. Anyway, our guide is very thorough, and will even tell you how to buy stamps to mail your absentee ballot. Who needs a mom when you have The Chronicle?

What Would We Do Without A Literal Indie Coffee Shop On Every Block?
Gentrification: a white rich liberal’s secret favorite thing. Okay, so actually gentrification is the way that rich people move into a poorer area and capitalize off government’s under-investment in it. If you are new to having a political consciousness and/or Durham, you may not have heard about gentrification, but you have almost certainly contributed to it, my sweet summer child. Median household income in Durham is around a third of the median family income of Duke students, which means your beautiful apartment which you trash every weekend is way more profitable to landlords than housing a family of normal people. But yeah, definitely pretend you don’t see homeless people asking for money. We get that you’re trying to save for your move to New York after graduation.

Walk-Up Line? Dead. Slaughtered. Deceased. Annihilated. Killed.
You would think this would be a sports story, but apparently enough people care about it that it’s considered something you NEED to know. If you were planning on sleeping on the ground for a couple of days in the middle of winter, turns out you will (probably) no longer be able to do that in a way so socially accepted that it won’t seem like you’ve lost your mind. I invite you to join me in sleeping on the ground outside as part of my performance art piece, so that your masochism may retain an air of legitimacy. I don’t have UNC game tickets for you, though.

“Can Duke snap its three-game losing streak against Virginia?” Yeah, I don’t know, you guys. Somebody told me to write about this. Apparently one football player has been a “difference-maker” which sounds like something the Career Center would send me in an email that’s supposed to be about jobs that contribute to the social good but are instead all non-profit consulting and government jobs. Anyway, Cutcliffe said “our seniors could leave here without having a win,” which is sad until you remember how I, too, will leave here without having a football win. Really makes you think, right?

Remember When You Went to D.C. in Middle School And Bought a “Female Body Inspector” T-Shirt?
In a truly wild turn of events, Duke first-year basketball player Zion Williamson is possibly a part of an FBI investigation? Yikes! Apparently there is an “ongoing Adidas FBI basketball trial,” but this is the first I’m hearing about it. I assume that eventually we will all be implicated in investigations by the FBI for all of the insane things we say in the audio vicinity of our phones and computers, so Williamson is in good company. The University says they DEFINITELY followed all NCAA regulations and have “an uncompromising commitment to compliance,” which somebody should put on a t-shirt for my forthcoming industrial metal band.

I, Too, Am Tired of Nobody Listening:
Coach K isn’t ignorant, he’s just tired of nobody listening! That’s how I feel when I get a bad participation grade for never speaking audibly in a seminar. Apparently everyone is criticizing Coach K because he called the FBI investigation a “blip,” but like, what else is he supposed to say? Sometimes you have to take your millions of dollars and go, ya know?

I’m Ready To Get In Touch With My Culture:
My culture being primarily defined by the North Carolina state fair. You think I’m joking but we interviewed a professor about the cultural significance of the fair for Americans! Also find out what you should eat there! When I was a kid my mom let me have exactly one (1) candy apple and nothing else, because we were That Family. One great thing about being an adult is the freedom to clog your arteries with whatever disgusting deep-fried food you want, an opportunity I plan to take full advantage of tomorrow!

Our fearless editor-in-chief left our office for the first time in months to see Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut A Star is Born, which… isn’t what I would have done with my two hours off from running a newspaper, but what do I know? I suggested that we make a video of everyone in the office attempting to do the part of “Shallow” where Lady Gaga goes “hoohoohoo hoo HOO, whoa-oh! WAAA OHHH!!” even though no one except me and the person who wrote this have seen the movie, and we actually attempted to do it but everyone except me is too camera-shy and also everyone except me knows their vocal limitations. Buzzfeed: hire me. I, myself, scream my Lady Gaga imitation out the window at unsuspecting first-years crossing the quad, so if you hear some screeching, never fear, it’s only me, not a large bird dying because it ran into a glass building.

  1. Guac and Talks: Talk to some media personalities tomorrow at 2:30 p.m.! And eat guacamole!
  2. Countdown to Craziness: I don’t really understand what this is but I know a bunch of people are going and it’s about basketball. Friday! 7 p.m.!
  3. Out of the Blue Family Weekend Showcase: Go make your family listen to your friend’s a cappella concert this Saturday at 5 p.m. because that’s what college is about!
  4. 2 Cute 2 Be Erased: Learn about the medical industrial complex and what it means to be intersex with this film screening and Q&A on Monday.
  5. Get Out the Vote - Phone Bank with You Can Vote: If you feel VERY into the whole civic participation thing, go remind other people to vote from 5:30 to 8:30 on Monday.
  6. Family Weekend Concert: Duke Jazz, Djembe, and Afro-Cuban Ensembles with Carol Sloane, jazz vocalist. Friday at 8 p.m.
  7. AMI Student Film Festival: Watch a curated festival of works produced by your fellow students. Monday at 7 p.m.
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