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THE CHRONICLE
September 27, 2018

Just When You Thought Cleaning For Rich People Couldn’t Get Better:
Life at Duke as a housekeeper continues to improve! Just kidding, it’s getting way worse. First we learned about a schedule change that will make it more difficult for housekeepers to look after their kids and go to church. Yesterday, we found out that housekeepers are being forced to bid for their job assignments, in a move that caused the 30-year union president to resign. What’s really wild to me is Duke students’ apparent inability to clean up after themselves. Duke dorms on the weekend ARE indeed a cesspool of filth and depravity… but maybe that’s, like, a personal problem.

Duke Loves Boxes…
Glass ones, that is, but they’re actually getting rid of “the box” that requires applicants to disclose whether they have been convicted of a crime. Start committing crimes now! Just kidding, employment will still conduct background checks, but later on in the process, and also differential sentencing and structural racism still disadvantage more vulnerable populations in different ways!

It Has Been 0 Days Since Our Last “Racial Incident”:
Whoops! Students painted a mural for Latinx Heritage Month under the East Campus bridge, but literally hours later, someone spray-painted over it. In an update to the story, apparently a guy came up to the students and said he did it, but by accident. Hmm.

Stop The Presses:
I enjoyed reading a sports story this week. I know, I’m as surprised as you are. The first black athletes to earn scholarships at Duke did interviews with The Chronicle in honor of the 50th anniversary of their matriculating at Duke. Spoiler alert: they faced horrific racism. Can you believe that? Here, at our very own school? No but seriously, it’s a beautiful profile of these two football players, even if you don’t care about sports!

Eye of the Tiger:
To fill a hole in a team, the volleyball team recruited Andie Shelton as the program’s first graduate transfer, so she’s doing her master’s degree in one year (which is the real unsung accomplishment in this article) to play for Duke during her last year of eligibility. Also, her dad’s name is Tiger.

We Really Are Still Talking About This Kid’s Hair:
We really are! You may recall a few weeks ago we discussed basketball player Alex O’Connell’s hair. Well, folks, he’s back at it, this whole “having hair” thing, and debuted a Man Bun this week. We applaud him for bravely challenging traditional images of the masculine!

The Other O-Week:
We love female masturbation! One of our columnists wrote about how a lot of women think they can’t have an orgasm, but probably actually can. Something fun about editing this column is that I scoured the archives for the use of the word “orgasm” and “masturbation.” I recommend it as a way to spend your afternoon.

GRUNCH! GRUNCH! GRUNCH!
I’m including this just because it sounds like a terrible, ugly mascot for a minor-league athletics team or fast-food franchise that would capture the hearts of social media users, but is in fact the name of a new program, like Flunch, that would allow undergraduates and graduate students to have lunch with each other. For free! I’m actually more terrified of my TAs than my professors because I feel like they’re way more dead inside, so I will truly not be using this program but applaud you if you find the bravery to do so.

What Is Wrong With You People:
I’m sorry, you guys, this is so dumb and everyone who lives in Crowell should be super embarrassed. Apparently they’ve had HUNDREDS of lockouts in less than a WEEK, and they’re going to crack down. Trust me, I understand being a walking trainwreck, but come on! Like, I’ve spent over 30 minutes searching for my parked car this week, but at least I have a little dignity. Wait outside for your roommate for hours like an adult.
  1. Voter Registration Drive: Get registered! Participate in democracy! Noon to 3 tomorrow in the Bryan Center!
  2. Pride: Come out (haha) for the NC pride parade around East campus at 11 am on Saturday.
  3. Duke Gardens Fall Plant Sale: Go buy some plants on Saturday which you’re probably going to kill in like, a month. They’re aspirational!
  4. Duke China-U.S. Summit: If fun isn’t really your thing, try going to the Duke China-U.S. summit, also on Saturday all-day in Penn Pavilion. They’re going to talk about the Age of Big Data. Sexy!
  5. Latinx Dessert Workshop: Mi Gente is going to teach people how to make Latin desserts on Sunday at noon!! Truly the heroes the people need!
  6. Ciompi Quartet Concert No. 1: Check out Ciompi Quartet's new cellist Caroline Stinson. She represents the first personnel change for Duke's resident String Quartet change since the 1990's. 
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