I’ve been putting these on Twitter and Facebook every day or two. I’ll try to write a long piece for next month but this month here are a few of the recent ones:
No author has ever been capable of writing a book.
But writing a scene?
Then another scene? And another …
And then rewrite.
You can do that.
(Notes to self this morning: you can do it too.)
How to recognise a writer’s grocery trolley:
- 5 kg inspiration, disguised as ice cream
- 1kg punctuation (look under cooking supplies)
- Equal amounts despair/elation
- Pet food of choice
(dragon, wombat, & elf inspirational companions are usually self-catering)
Do not ask a writer ‘What are you working on now?’ unless you want a three hour monologue on sources, themes and why chapter 26 means an entire rewrite.
Keep a supply of antique maps and small, fascinating 19th century wind-up toys on hand to distract them if unwittingly caught in this situation.
Why writers make good pets:
- Rarely need flea collars
- Grateful for three meals a day, plus snacks and may even cook for you
- Self-entertaining while you are at work
- Love to hear all the gossip about your day, to turn into fodder for chapter 36
How to be an author:
- Ask passing gryphon for 5 kg inspiration
- Mix with 2,000 cups coffee
- Sob for 3 days that you can never write again
- Discover book is working, vanish into brain till done
Her: When are you going to write a real book?
Him: (well meaning): She has written some books for adults too.
Me: Did not throw the scones at them. But it was a near thing with the jam and cream.
Today I exult in the knowledge that:
- A fictional meal has no calories, even if you have six helpings of ice cream
- A third of daily calories are used by the brain
- If I write another 10,000 words then I can eat another 1,000 in what those who aren’t readers or writer’s call ‘real life’ i.e. stuff that doesn’t happen on the page
Guide to midnight proof-readers:
Elves: excellent; entice with cake
Gnomes: appalling spelling: prefer beer and cheese
Dragons: deep insight, impeccable spelling but may leave mss scorched; preferred food – tethered goats.
Mermaids: Mss may become damp, mouldy and impregnated with salt. Not advisable.
Leave cake by your laptop overnight, and the elves will proofread it.
If they fail to proofread, you must try a more delicious cake.Be prepared to do several years of taste testing to see which ones will work.
Fuel for Writer's Workshop:
- 1 million ideas waiting
- 6,742 slices
- 90,000 cupcakes
- 1 megalitre coffee
- a portaloo by the peach tree
A Writer’s Daydreams:
- A device that painlessly removes book from brain & places it on page
- Self-renewing coffee pot
- A spellchecker that doesn’t replace ‘camel’ with ‘condom’
- A small trained dragon who collates old envelopes scribbled with good ideas & incinerates the lame ones
We don't tell our 13-year-olds they can't watch Games of Thrones because they won't understand it. We forbid them because they will understand it, but without the wider framework to put it into moral/emotional context.
Slightly off topic:
And the winner of the most toxic school bag of the holidays goes to Caligula Furgle, of Wombat Snout, for his outstanding collection of banana peel, orange rind and orange sludge that may have been hummus.
Caligula’s mother, Ms M Furgle, is said to be out of intensive care
Good evening, here is the news:
Dogs have resigned as man’s best friend.
Cats claim theirs was only ‘a short 6,000 year acquaintance of mutual convenience.’
Wombats have expressed interest in the now vacant BF position but wish clarification on the number of carrots that will be involved.
Rabbits have yet to comment.
I am afraid:
- That every lie a leader tells nibbles at the trust that holds society together
- That every cut to those in need erodes the empathy that keeps us human
- That every racist claim which goes unchallenged helps us forget that we must work together to save the life on our small blue spinning planet