Hello! Welcome to my newsletter for June/July 2021. In this issue:
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Look at these dudes. This is Husband Dave (white shirt) and one of his writing partners Oliver Johnson, being interviewed on TV by Emma Freud in the mid-1980s about a gamebook series they'd just released.
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That series is Dragon Warriors, and if you're of a certain generation and interest group, this cover will give you palpitations, as will its Wiki page.
Oliver and Dave are still friends. So Oliver enlisted Dave to help move furniture out of his aunt's flat.
They set off in the early afternoon. When I next hear from them, it's 10pm. True to their adventuring roots, they have turned a simple trip into a series of epic trials.
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Epic trial 1 - Hateful Vehicle. Oliver can't make the van reverse. Neither can Dave, but Dave doesn't drive so he's excused. They manage without reverse gear until they have loaded the van and need to get it out of the parking space.
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Dave goes to the bonnet and pushes, but the van, stuffed with furniture, is like pushing a brick wall. So Oliver also goes to the bonnet and pushes and this is fun because - you might already have noticed - no one is steering. Epic trial 2, Use of Prayers.
Epic trial 3 - Quest for Elixir. On the route back to London, the Hateful Vehicle blares a sudden warning. Give me a substance called AdBlue in the next 15 miles, or I won't start again.
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They call the van hire firm to seek advice. Get AdBlue from a garage, they're told. (Consulting The Oracle, Who Does Not Care About Their Troubles.) They stop at a garage, obtain and administer AdBlue, use prayers again and also curses.
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Into the Underworld. They reach Big Yellow Storage facility at 9.30pm. Dark and spooky. Staff have gone. Mysterious instructions to gain entry through automated systems. Will it let them out again? Also, there is torrential rain (The Elements Are Punishing You).
Treasure Becomes a Burden. Storage unit is already full because Oliver wants to move house and has decluttered. Must now take vanload back home, which will not please Oliver's wife. (Returning In Disgrace.)
Hateful Vehicle won't start. It's demanding more AdBlue, several gallons now. There is a garage nearby, but the rain is biblical and the walk is unappealing.
Dave phones me. As he tells me the day's adventures, I can hear Oliver talking to a call centre, which isn't going well (Consulting the Oracle, Whose Advice Makes No Sense). Dave sounds like he's having an excellently amusing time.
Dave tells me they have discovered this AdBlue is mostly urea. (Big character moment. Do You Dare to Improvise, Especially if it Will Amuse the Other Players? Roll a D6.)
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An engineer arrives (The Elders Send Help). Hateful Vehicle is kapput. 'You shouldn't have given it Adblue. It's formed crystals in the whatnot.' (Advice from Oracle Was Wrong After All.)
Oliver and Dave abandon the Hateful Vehicle, still packed with aunt's furniture, and also an urn with the ashes of Oliver's mother. The van is parked moronically across several spaces because it wouldn't reverse. It's sagging on its axles and obviously full.
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'It might get stolen,' says Oliver to Dave as they splosh away. 'And do you know what, I don't care.'
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